January. Starbucks go bust. The general public make a national New Years resolution to 'evade' Starbucks whilst they continue to 'evade' taxes and 'evade' making decent coffee. After pretending that they have been making a loss in the UK for the last few years, and only paying tax in one year out of 14, Star*ucks finally give up and go home. Good riddance
February. Obama decides to bring peace to the Middle East by bombing Syria and arming most of the sides in the civil war. Until free and fair elections can produce a new leader acceptable to the United States, Tony Blair is appointed Governor General Viceroy, due to his expertise at bringing peaceful resolutions to the region.
March. The wise senior management of the University of Sunderland allow me to erect a 'peace yurt' in the University Quad. It instantly becomes a huge success, and I am nominated for the 'University of Sunderland, Full time Chaplain of the Year award.' This becomes part of my pitch to become the new Bishop of Durham, pledging to move the 'See' of the Diocese to the new and exotic yurt headquarters in Sunderland. My manifesto also promises to have Bede's remains disinterred from Durham Cathedral and returned to it's rightful home in Makem land.
April turns out to be no joke, and the Government's new wave of austerity cuts involve taking away walking sticks from the elderly, and stealing candy from small children. George Osborne closes the last of the Remploy factories, selling the equipment and workers to sweatshops in China. 'That'll get them for booing me at the Olympics' sneers the Chancellor at a press launch. Rumours abound that he is secretly auditioning for the villain's role in the new James Bond movie.
May. Despite George Galloway's continued gaffes (he earlier declared that bestiality was just 'bad sexual kittiquette'') Respect councillors sweep to victory in several Bradford districts. They begin to turn the former Westfield site into a people's park and a huge outdoor bazaar. However, the pledge to hold a referendum on independence, with the hope of granting asylum to Julian Assange recieves a less welcome response from the good people of the city.
June. To safeguard the wellbeing of the G8 superhero conference being held in Enniskillen, Britain completely seals the borders of Northern Ireland. 'That should ensure that any terrorist threat is kept well and truly out of this peace loving part of the nation.' confirmed the Northern Ireland Deputy First Minister, Martin McGuinness....